yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
