I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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