His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
