It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
