You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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