I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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