So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
