When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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