he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
