This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
