Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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