I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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