So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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