apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
