I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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