Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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