my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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