my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
