you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
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He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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