sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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