How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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