paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
