He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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