Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
