I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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