i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
