my phone needs a breathalizer
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You dont lie about slip and slides
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
