We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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