i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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