Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
