If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
