if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
