last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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