ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
