you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
