i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
