Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My Higher Power is John Stamos
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
