Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
