I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
