I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
