you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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