The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
