is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Pooping to opera.
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