we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
