walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
