Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
