Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
