She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
