She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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