I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
